Saturday, August 06, 2005

Sex -- It's one of my favorite hobbies

Whenever I'm asked to list my hobbies, I think about listing sex.

Of course, I don't.

Ministers aren't supposed to have sex.

Well guess what -- we do! Ministers having sex have produced a world full of those holy terrors called "preacher's kids." And sex is not just for procreation -- it's for recreation.

I like Song of Solomon. Some people say it is a story of Christ's relationship and the church. Bull. It's sex! I love the part in chapter 7:

Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel. Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, "I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit." (NIV)

Occasionally I see my wife standing there. Maybe she is getting ready for bed. Maybe she's getting out of the shower. Suddenly I think like Solomon, "I'm climbing that tree and grabbing those tits."

I've heard people say one of the reasons for divorce is that people tire of sex with the same person after so many years.

I don't buy it.

I have been married for 30 years. Man, where did the time go? I feel like I just got married. Whenever young people come to my office looking to get married, I show them my wedding picture.

Lately they've started laughing.

I know the lapels on my tux are a bit wide, and I suppose the bow tie looks like it could turn into wings and fly me away -- but thank goodness it's Confederate Gray and not that red or purple that was so popular back in 1975.

I've never had sex with anyone but my wife. I never really wanted to. Of all the temptations I face, adultery has never been one of them. My wife and I know all the sweet spots, and all the favorite moves. We feel comfortable trying something new from time to time.

When I look at her, I think of Shakespeare. He has a sonnet -- number 130 -- that describes my wife perfectly.

"I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;"

I understand that Will was writing a parody about one of his lovers referred to as the "Dark Lady." I'm not sure this is a parody. I think it is real love.

At age 51 my wife's breasts are not the firm and perky wonders they were when we were in our 20's. Actually, they aim more and more to the floor with each passing year.

So what. At my age I have parts that are also pointing more down than up.

My wife has a bit of a pot belly. There are scars from a cesarean delivery of our son. Her hips are a bit wider than they ought to be.

But hey, you should see me when I'm naked -- on second thought, it's best not to be frightened. Take my word for it. I looked a lot better at age 18.

Heck, I looked better at age 48.

I remember when I was with my Dad in the hospital a few weeks ago. A nurse came by to bathe him. Dad was always very modest about his body, and had a strict moral code -- but when she left this 84 year old man said, "Ah, to be 70 again." Well, that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about, it's just a good story.

Back to sex.

I think that is why a lot of people have affairs. They are trying to get something of their youth back. Pity -- they put their future at such risk.

"Young people today" is a phrase every generation uses when they become old farts. Well, at age 51 I'm now an old fart. So let me say, "Young people today are too sexually promiscuous."

And they are!

There is another wonderful verse in the Bible. It comes from Proverbs 5:15-19:

"Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."

It is a poetic way of saying "Keep your pants zipped and be happy with your wife."

Not a bad thought centuries ago.

Not a bad thought for these young people today.


Blogger Lisa said...

Oh my gosh! You are too funny. I have to admit, one of my first thoughts was "I'm glad my husband doesn't blog" LOL

You are right, of course. I'm not sure what the answer is to the problem of today's promiscuity. I know what worked for me. I was raised in a Baptist church. I knew that the moment I caved, Jesus would come back and there I would be and on top of that I'd have to answer to my mother!

At any rate, you're a hoot and ya made me laugh :)

3:08 PM  
Blogger cheesehead said...

Hmmm..maybe your wife's hips are exactly the way they are supposed to be, especially after delivering children.

Other than that, I agree with what you've written.

4:13 PM  
Blogger Sixtina87 said...

maybe i should have read the entire entry, because what i read kinda scared me!!!!! Hey thanks for replying to my blog!!!!

8:43 PM  
Blogger Rolando Pintos said...

Oh man, I think i've painted you all wrong. Your blog is hilarious. Don't mind the comment on my site. i've recently gotten into a religious battle with some zealot. Keep at it.

9:44 PM  
Anonymous steph said...

you have brightened my day

5:05 AM  
Anonymous steph said...

your whole blog is delightful

5:06 AM  
Anonymous steph said...

some more Hebrew love poetry...

"..the joints of your thighs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman. Your navel is like a rounded bowl, not lacking in wine, your belly is like a heap of wheat surrounded by lilies. Your two breasts are like two twin fawns. Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes are like pools in Esebon ... (Song of Solomon 7.1ff)

5:36 AM  
Anonymous steph fisher said...

...and kiaora from New Zealand

6:04 AM  
Blogger Chickie said...

I hope my husband feels the same way about me 30 years from now. Lovely post.
And you may have inspired me to dust off my Bible and take a peek at Song of Solomon. My Mom will be so pleased :)

8:14 AM  
Blogger Norah said...


Thank you for your comment on my blog!
Yours seems kind and funny in spite that you are a minister :)


9:33 AM  
Anonymous ed said...

Thanks for you comment on our blog also.

On the face of it we might appear diametrically opposite. I'm a staunch atheist (although my wife is a committed Christian) but we also have a lot of similarities. After 20 years of marriage I feel the same way about my wife and sex.

I think my wife is far more sexy at 45 than she ever was at 25. Maybe her body isn't as good as it was having given birth to 2 children, but she's more sexually aware and confident than she was then. She feels more sexy and therefore she is more sexy.

Anyway, good to see a minister talking candidly about sex. Have you seen The Marriage Bed which deals with sex from a Christian perspective? Very interesting reading (even for a non Christian).

10:58 AM  
Blogger Maryellen said...

at first i thought "i hope his wife doesn't read this"
then i thought "how sweet, i bet his wife loves this"
i think it actually made me blush.
i always thought that the song of songs was God's stamp of approval on the pleasures of marital sex.

4:45 PM  
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5:35 PM  
Blogger littledminor said...

As a young lady married for the first and only time in June, your words are encouraging and entertaining. It is unfortunate that stereotypes exist. We are not a black and white society, it is always if/and.

I, personally, have to question all issues, until the absolute is once again true.

That was really a non-sequitor.

12:37 AM  
Blogger luckylane said...

You really got a way with words. Hehe, you brought me laughter ... and I agree with your message. Thanks.

8:52 PM  
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Blogger Angelique said...

WOW! That was sweet in an unexpected way. I am glad that you found true love but I don't think young people today are too promiscuous. As long as they are practicing safe sex and no one gets hurt, why not? I think Americans are a little stuffy about sex. Plus, it's only premarital sex if you are planning on marrying them.

1:02 AM  
Blogger misha said...

i like the proverbs 5 quote.

10:19 PM  
Blogger dailyread said...

What a wonderful post. It is obvious that the topic of sex is always going to be dynamic and hot-button. Some of us will always view it as something to do as commanded (but not to derive selfish pleasure from), while others will view it as ONLY something to take pleasure from.
I view sex as an expression of Love between two people. An activity that has boundless possibilities to reveal the depths of the human bond that our creator used as the foundation on which to construct us.
Although it is possible for a healthy male to respond sexually in a variety of situations, it is Love which acts as the catalyst to reveal true sexual pleasure. In our society, this happens most frequently in a committed relationship. The level of desire in a sexual encounter is directly proportional to the depth of Love involved.
Free Will (in my opinion and for maryellen) begins with the curiosity God blended into every molecule of our physical being. Our entire purpose for physical existence (I believe) is to "know thyself", which in turn will allow us to know God. The only vehicle we have for gaining knowledge is physical experience. If something is not within our current realm of experience, we can not relate to it, so it doesn't actually exist.
Our inherent desire to experiment (with sex, drugs, and rock and roll) is God gently urging us to "get with the curruculum of life", and immerse ourselves in the lessons that will propel us toward a level of understanding that Jesus referred to when He said, "you can do all this, and more".

11:31 AM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

I admire your honesty. Although, if I was your wife, I might want to drop-kick you for the descriptions about certain physical characteristics. On the subject of cheating (it's fresh in my mind from Kitty's post this morning), I think different people cheat for different reasons. I don't think it's as simple as what's stated in your post. I'm not condoning it, but I think that, for men, it has to do more with physical aspects of a relationship. For women, I think it has more to do with emotional needs being unmet. In both cases, it's the "grass is greener" syndrome. Some people go on cheating and never realize how brown the lawn really is...

3:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post.... tyhanks for the humor and for making people stop and think... awesome!


3:48 PM  

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