Monday, August 29, 2005

Sudden Moment Of Grief

The feeling came so unexpectedly.

It started when I picked up a baseball.

I'd found the baseball outside my front door several days ago. I'd left it there for a while, thinking some kid who'd lost it would find it. It moved a bit during the hurricane, but it was still unclaimed in my front yard. Yesterday I brought it inside and placed it on the table near the door. It remained there untouched until I began cleaning the house today.

The feeling didn't come right away.

I held it and thought back to days of playing baseball as a kid in the neighborhood. Images came to my mind. The day I hit a grand-slam. The time we all scattered when one kid hit a ball right into this lady's car as she drove by. The way the ball came straight into my glove for a beautiful third out.

I tossed the ball up into the air and watched it fall into my hand.

That's when the feeling came flooding into my heart.

Every afternoon, I would wait for my father to come home and we would go out and play catch. My son and I did the same thing for years.

I'll never play catch with my Dad again.

He's been dead for weeks. I like to think that I am moving through the grief process successfully. I'm sure these moments will come again.

Some losses in our lives are so deep that the healing should take time.


Blogger ~**Dawn**~ said...

it's been almost 4 years since i lost my Gram who was like a mother to me. it was such a profound loss that i didn't even *start* to process it for many months after the fact. i mean i understood that she had gone on to a *much* better place & i was at peace knowing she was not suffering anymore but it was as if i couldn't wrap my heart around the facts that my brain had received. it will be 4 years in October. and i still have moments like that where the loss grips me & makes me stop in my tracks, a lonliness that i am just now start to grasp. i suspect it will be this way for a long long time.

10:12 PM  
Blogger Quotidian Grace said...

It does take a long time, and grief can sneak up on you when you least expect it. That is all very normal. Blessings.

11:48 PM  
Blogger jbb said...

thats hard. i just lost my great uncle and im sure ill have my share of grief for years to come. but i wish you the best, i cant imagine losing my father...

1:24 AM  
Blogger Chickie said...

I caught myself buying a birthday card for my Grandma a few weeks after she died.

Being sad stinks.

7:56 AM  
Blogger Andy said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers as you grieve the loss of your father. Take care of yourself,
Rev. Andy

10:10 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

For me, the grief is cyclical. I think about my father throughout every single day. Somedays I still well up with tears, while others I steel myself with the thought that we will all meet the end somehow someday. I miss my Dad the most when I come across thoughts like yours. "I'll never get to ask him another question." (He was a genius.) or "He would love what I am making for dinner." (He was also a great cook.) I am who I am because he was my Dad and I'll be forever grateful for the time I did have with him.

1:48 PM  
Blogger the reverend mommy said...

It catches you unexpectly in unexpected places. It catches me in the middle of the night when I dream of them. Blessings on you today.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

I'm sorry. I lost my father a year ago July and I keep thinking I'll get past it, but that hasn't happened. I think, though, that remembering these good moments do help, even if they do depress us. I've had these moments, too. For me it was a victory because for the longest time I couldn't get past my father's last few months of life.

3:47 PM  

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